Ten Years On
In 1997 I was unemployed and recovering from some serious illness. I was disenchanted with the church, and more wounded than I knew. I'd had huge commitment, some talent, and the beginnings of some wisdom. I felt like I was really beginning to be useful as a minister. All that was no match for fear and lies. The whole experience showed in sharp relief the pointlessness of much that churches were doing- all the busyness and shifting of deck chairs.
Struggling back to work, faced with what seemed like pointless shuffling in the parishes I knew, (and badly lacking in perspective, I suspect) I had no answers. I had no language to communicate what little I knew. I could see no future for the traditional parish I had grown up with. I wanted to explore and search, but felt like I was been asked to shout the old words even louder so they would somehow work. I felt like I was being asked to embody a lie to help people feel safe and happy about things they could no longer believe.
I couldn't do it. I no longer had the energy or the patience for little ladies' meetings and parochial pieties. I was getting grumpy even over the good things. So l left employment by a parish.
I tried to find on my own way of saying what is important. One Man's Web, which had begun life as Jan Struther's Home Page, focused especially on Men's Issues, was an attempt to continue to say something, to force me to articulate what I was thinking, and to keep some kind of faith with my calling. I am not good at relationships and team work. A few early attempts to work with others dried up. It truly become one man's web.
It's been a privilege to talk and write to people from all over the world- nothing like as many as I would have liked, but enough. I've had the privilege of being able to write a little truth, and to encourage people to be honest with, and face their struggles. I wanted people to know that it is ok to doubt, and fear, and struggle, and have no answers Especially men; we are supposed to be so self sufficient. Other men- and women- pounce on any sign of weakness.
I wanted to model living a faith where the way is not clear, and to model being patient as answers develop over time. I wanted to encourage people to trust their instincts and experience of life, as well as being probing and questioning about the old traditions. I wanted to model growing and changing, and not being ashamed of previous ideas that we can no longer espouse, but which helped "then."
The site has always competed with a growing family and a busy job. It's patchy, hurried, and not always well thought or well expressed. The only "grand plan" has been the paragraph above! My priorities have changed with time. And as always, my cynicism, and my liking to start things more then maintain them, has shaped what has happened.
So after 10 years I was slightly surprised to find I am still online, working on through the the issues. My web counter suggests that even allowing for web spiders and other triggers, on average someone has visited most days. I am encouraged to have found a way forward, and to find despite all my cynicism and doubt, the divine still is.
I am now writing in 2011, fourteen years on! For three years I put my creative writing into a site called a church (re)Wired, which is now static. Most of the material has been transferred to One Man's Web, and I am writing here again. I hope there is something here for you.